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Scientific assertion that rocks are many millions of years old have not deterred the creationists from their conviction that the world was created on 23rd October 4004 BCE (that would have to be the world’s first Tuesday, one assumes - see footnote). The arsenal of evidence to support their argument has now been augmented by the story of Lehmann who, they assert, built a flying ark around 2300 BCE and saved only the good people at the time of a massive volcanic eruption. This evidence is based upon the recently discovered Levitatus Scroll, a book intentionally ignored, among many other works, by Emperor Constantine at the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD when he arbitrarily assembled what has become the modern Christian Bible.
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First let us examine the text in question:
1. Many years did pass since the great wars, and peoples recovered slowly from their history. Stability returned and many did turn to hard work and invention and did set aside the old rivalries.
2. Now the leaders did prosper well as they designed new products and paid their workers who in turn did aspire to more comfortable lives and did spend their money on useful goods like clever teeth-cleaning devices.
3. So many goods were needed the leaders designed and made more, employed more people, paid higher wages and the cycle of prosperity did exceedingly grow beyond all hopes.
4. In the west, in time all teeth were clean and people needed more to show their wealth. Essential devices such as music and picture machines became the new ambition. But soon even these were everywhere yet music was no better and pictures were even worse, especially those from the new world.
5. The leaders developed transport machines, the bigger the better, and those which burnt the most fuel were considered the finest.
6. Soon the air was blue and fuel was scarce so people turned to their homes as the main way to show their wealth.
7. Gradually homes became bigger, more ostentatious and more wasteful, the grossest owned by the least worthy, and yet mankind showed no inkling of self-discipline.
8. And so it came to pass in the west that mankind accrued everything, became complacent and did revere God the less. Mankind became enraptured with material wealth and did set its standards according to this wealth. Temples did close and priests were asked:
9. “Why do you beat our brows with your talk of God and His wrath? For He is not a vengeful god; do you not see that God is pleased that we are wealthy and that our chosen people do exceedingly benefit by taking wealth from others less chosen?
10. “God hath dictated that our wealth do increase day by day and year by year and, verily I say unto you, it shall be so forever for we are the chosen people who shall inherit the earth.”
11. But God was displeased and especially so when He saw that those who lost their wealth to usurers could not recover and did suffer much and I too did see it so. God saw that only the usurers did prosper and He said:
12. “This is not good; somewhere I have stuffed and hands-off is not the go. This usury of lending to those who cannot pay then robbing them of their inflating asset cannot persist and I shall cast out the evil ones.”
13. And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the Earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only greed continually.
14. And the Lord said, “I will destroy man, whom I have created, from the face of the earth; both bankers and borrowers, and creeping speculators, and agents of real estate; for it repenteth me that I have made them.”
15. Now there was a man not of the priesthood, a merchant Lehmann by name, who did lend money but otherwise God saw good; he had just been a bit of a jerk and lent too much gullibly.
16. Another He saw might be good was a man from Caledonia, McWorry, though He was not so sure about him, nor what might be hidden beneath his guilt.
17. And God did say to Lehmann, “Set aside thy naughty money-lending and cease thy dubious practices, for I shall punish all the evil and all mankind which indulge in evil.
18. “Thou shalt build a machine which shall lift above the earth and take into it all those you consider good, two by two, including platypus.
19. “Using multiples of seven cubits thou shalt build it seven high by thrice-seven long and wide. This design is forever to be known as the Thrice Seven and, if you pay homage to me each day, I shall send you a magic engine to lift it above the earth .”
20. For one thousand days and one thousand nights Lehmann did toil to build his craft with the help of his wives and friends, sons and daughters, his cousins and his aunts, all bowing and scraping to the Lord at each union-prescribed work-break every day.
21. All this time he laboured long and his portfolio did much suffer, as did his gutters and his grouting.
22. And many people said, “Verily this man is nutworthy, for he doth spend his days and nights, and the days and nights of his wives, and the days and nights of his sons, and the days and nights of his sons’ wives and all his lot ad infinitum, building a machine which, stands to reason, cannot fly … and his portfolio doth much suffer, as do his gutters and his grouting.”
23. And it came to pass that Lehmann completed his task and, seeing that it was good, gave thanks to the Lord and named it Thrice Seven bowing.
24. After Lehmann had taken aboard into his craft all the good people he knew and animals two by two, including platypus, God raised his hand against the evil and did cause a vomiting of molten rock from the highest mountain to destroy all the evil and all rotten mankind from the earth, which is why things are so rosy to this day.
25. As the molten rock flowed towards him Lehmann engaged his magic engine, what God had provided, and verily lifted high above the earth to the amazement of those left behind who were speechless and exceeding hot.
26. After forty days and forty nights and the earth was still warm beneath his wings, Lehmann did open a window and release a pigeon.
27. But at nightfall the pigeon returned and was whole but with very blistered feet. Lehmann wisely knew the earth was still too hot.
28. Lehmann and his family and friends had been eating animals to survive and were on tenterhooks that soon there would be no animals left, including platypus, which they had found was of fair taste. Lehmann’s tenters were also hooked because he feared that his allocation of holy aviation spirit might not last out.
29. Yet Lehmann bade his time and, after a few more days giving thanks to the Lord, released another pigeon but one with healthy feet, and it too returned with the same complaint.
30. Lehmann patiently bade further time and, anxious his timepiece may have stopped, gave thanks along with a humble hurry-up to the Lord and looked for a third animal, for he had by now run out of usable pigeons.
31. He chose a pig which he cast forth out of the window and, lo, the pig did not return so Lehmann knew that either the land was cooler or maybe that particular pig could not fly very well.
32. Notwithstanding his doubts about the pig Lehmann decided to land his craft and release his people and their remaining flock.
33. And Lehmann saw that the world was good because, rather obviously, there was no one in it save those he had chosen.
34. And Lehmann did corner the real estate market and did prosper though, to be fair, by this time there was very little competition.
35. And the surviving animals shall populate the planet as long as mankind allowed them to, including the rare but very tasty platypus.
36. Going forward, God did offer a covenant unto Lehmann, his tribe and his progeny; that, “as long as ye do trade in real estate, ye shall demand reasonable equity and not rip off the borrower; if ye abide by this edict I shall refrain from being bossy again; for details ye may visit rainbow dot cov”
The recent discovery of the Levitatus Scroll, taken together with lava layers in northern Iran and eastern Turkey and the long-known lava strata in rock formations in the Grand Canyon, all dated to the period around 2300 BCE, have lent enormous weight to the creationists’ argument. The recent discovery of rock formations in Eastern Turkey in the shape of a flying ark have added to the controversy (see picture below).
“How can anybody ignore the fact that there was an enormous volcanic eruption, extending lava flows as far apart as Iran and Colorado, dated to precisely the same period as the Levitatus story?” Said Charles Darlose, a spokesman for the International Divine Influence Of Testament Society today.
“And, … how can anybody possibly assert that the platypus is an animal of natural selection? What could it possibly have evolved from? Is it likely that a mammal needed a duck’s bill? And why on earth should a mammal lay eggs anyway? It’s well-known that all attempts to date to force otters or beavers to mate with ducks have consistently failed, every time with adverse consequences for their handlers. No, it is just too preposterous. The only reasonable explanation is that the platypus was created by an all-seeing, all-knowing God who knew we needed just such a combination; all other explanations defy logic!” added Mr Darlose.
“Furthermore, the fact that a cubit is approximately eighteen inches in length (from the elbow to the finger-tips of a standard Middle-Eastern adult male) shows that Lehmann’s Thrice Seven is almost exactly the same dimensions as the modern 777 aircraft. And, … is it just a coincidence that it comes from bowing?”
In Seattle, a spokesman for the Boeing Company denied allegations that their design department had plagiarised earlier designs by other organizations, evangelists, apocrypha or deities. In Moscow, a spokesman for Tupolev said they were closely examining the Bible, Torah, Qu’ran and also all works excluded by Emperor Constantine with a view to bringing a sizable court action against Boeing in the U.S.A.
In London, a spokesman for the North European Region Darwinian Society, said, “The creationists have, once again, produced incontrovertible evidence which completely destroys their own argument; the book of Levitatus clearly shows that Lehmann expected his pig to fly which proves it has since evolved into today’s pig, … which rarely flies!”
In Washington, a spokesman from the US Federal Reserve is quoted as saying, “We have much to learn from Levitatus about how to stimulate spending and run a modern capitalist economy where wealth must be acquired through debt and deficits. Actually, come to think of it, we have much to learn from anybody with an IQ equivalent to, or greater than, a platypus.”
In Alaska, a spokesperson for the Platypus fer President Movement said “Goldarnit, anything’d be better than what we got now!”
In Australia, a spokesman for the Platypus Protection Society said “Bugger off!”
FOOTNOTE:
Actually, according to the writer’s calculations (using the current Gregorian Calendar), 23rd October 4004 BCE was a Monday. In order for the Sabbath to line up with a Saturday, the day the “dry land” was created, duly named the Earth, and one day after the “firmament” was created, should probably have been the Tuesday 24th October 4004 BCE. It is, however, always possible that God finished that day’s work after crossing the Date Line from east to west, thereby losing the missing day.
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